Cory Westen II; Tenant in Apartment #2806

BRING IT!

I keep using my energy
Pushing and shoving my way to be
Almost there, almost there
Feel like we've been getting nowhere
Almost there, almost there
Feel like we've been getting nowhere

Almost there, almost there
Well...

Electronic world, supersonic girl
We keep holding onto nothing
We keep typing, we're not talking
We lose endlessly, world won't get by me
I feel like I'm onto something
We keep moving, we're not there yet

I keep using my energy
Pushing and shoving my way to be
Almost there, almost there
Feel like we've been getting nowhere
Almost there, almost there
Feel like we've been getting nowhere

No, no, no, no...
Oh lord..

Enigmatic stream, consciousness unleashed
Drew me in, she's so magnetic
Turned me on, I can't forget it
Running out of time, visions on my mind
I'm still holding onto nothing
Lord I hope you show me something

I keep using my energy
Pushing and shoving my way to be
Almost there, almost there
Feel like we've been getting nowhere
Almost there, almost there
Feel like we've been getting nowhere

Mmmmm, lord...
Yeah...

I think I'm gonna get there, gonna get there
Gonna get there, there
Don't know when, don't know how
Push me further, hold me down, down
Down....
Almost there, almost there
Feel like we've been getting nowhere

I keep using my energy
Pushing and shoving my way to be
Almost there, almost there
Feel like we've been getting nowhere
Almost there, almost there
Feel like we've been getting nowhere

Almost there, almost there
Feel like we've been getting nowhere

It's been a rough past two days. It's felt much longer than that by now. The kind of mess I made is one I should have seen coming, considering I knew what I was doing. I'm way to too tired of rehashing the details to elaborate, but after a night in jail, an extremely hurt girlfriend, and two hurt friends, I don't think I can go back to who I thought I was. The reason I can't is because, now, there is too much emotion tied up in all of this. Emotions I never knew I had.

I was almost living a normal life, one that wasn't an exact replica of my father's. He never prepared me for life the way I parent should have, and of course, I didn't really care to change that. It wasn't until I met Shavonne that I started wanting to get to know someone and spend time with them for something other than sex. I didn't know where it came from. It was hard not to think of her. I wondered how her work day was going all of the time. I just wanted to see her smile, make her laugh. The way she looked at me made me melt. That was only something that happened once before with someone else, and that time had passed, but, when I had a chance to try again, it just caused more heart ache and pain than need be. I should have known that my time had passed when it came to my first love.

So, what do I have now? Nothing. I was used to being told my good looks can get me anywhere, but it sure and the hell doesn't get you out of the huge pile of shit that you step in. There's no way to make anyone trust you again when you so freely threw caution to the wind and decided, hey, what people don't know doesn't hurt them. That's bullshit. Somehow, people find out and then you have to face the music.

I have only slept about three hours in the past 48 hours. I'm so tired, but I can't sleep. I just keep replaying everything in my head. All my words are sounding so hollow right now. I don't have anyone to lean on. No one outside of what happened to lean on. Someone unbiased and someone who doesn't know any of the people I've hurt. I decided to get a number for a therapist.

There is something missing in me. My father always said my mom was useless and I took him at his word. No, dad, you're fucking worthless. I can't call you and get advice. I can't tell you I was hurting and cried until I had no more tears. You'd just call me a fucking pussy. A man doesn't cry. A man doesn't let a woman tell him what to do. A man doesn't waste his time with feelings because a man dies alone.. Fuck you, dad. I'm a mess.

It wasn't my dad who made me make my choices, but you do end up taking on traits of people who raised you. He's got no conscience. He's got no regrets. I do. I couldn't have gotten that from him. I need to find my mother. I don't know her name, or where she lives or what she looked like or where they met. I just feel that, if she had been in my life, I would have learned all of this. I would have had at least one parent tell me they loved me so I knew how to respond and love someone in return.

But, it's time to pick up the pieces. It's time to change. It's time to step out of the lives of people who already had something going and didn't need me to fuck it up. I have to let go of the past. It has to let go of me. That time has passed.

What hurts the most is, I was starting to fall for her. In my twenties, dating my first woman and she was everything I am not. Someone who didn't live life thinking she was God's gift to man. Someone that was sweet and made me feel like I was the only one for her, and now, she's in so much pain that it makes me sick to know I was the one to cause it all.

Well, I'm tired of being me. I can't go back to that anymore. I'm going to look back on my life when I'm too old to get it up and wonder where my life went. I won't have any children. No wife to mourn my death. No friends because I found a way to fuck with their lives. I'm going to just die alone.

A man dies alone. Bullshit.

One day, I'm going to have to bury my father and what do I even have to say about him?

Here lies the man who fucked half the planet. He was good at fucking, second only to his ability to scout out good college football players for the NFL.

That can't be me.

Here lies a man who looked good until he was 40, and then died alone because everyone hated his guts. Good riddance.

It's got to change.

Right now.

When you grab a hold of me
You tell me that I'll never be set free
I'm a parasite,
creep and crawl I step into the night.
Two pints of booze
Tell me are you a badfish too? Are you a badfish too?
Ain't got no money to spend
I know the night will never end
Lord knows I'm weak
Won't somebody get me off of this reef

Baby your a big blue whale
Grab the reef when all duck diving fails
I swim but wish I never learned
The water's too polluted with germs
I dive deep when it's ten feet overhead
Grab the reef underneath my bed
Ain't got no quarrels with god Ain't got no time to grow old
Lord knows I'm weak
Won't somebody get me off of this reef

Ain't got no quarrels with God Ain't got no time to grow old
Lord knows I'm weak
Won't somebody get me off of this reef?

There comes that moment where you start wondering if you were meant to be something different or something better. Hell, all I knew growing up with my dad was football, hotel rooms, traveling and women. Of course, those are good things to me. Here I am, early twenties and all of a sudden, I start thinking, did I miss something? I have already known that my dad wasn't the affectionate kind. I think I got my compassion from my mom that I never met. My dad always said she was unimportant and that women only really had one use. Growing up in that environment where you slept in a hotel room and heard your dad fucking in the next room and you couldn't remember who the hell he brought in that night, yeah. Life can be devoid of emotion. I never found it wrong.

I got older and then school introduced me to trouble and people that had other emotions other than anger and lust. Like I gave a shit. I was smoking pot, skateboarding, wrestling and taking as many girls virginities as possible. Junior high was a blur and high school saw me get into much more trouble. If it weren't for hanging out with Lexie, I probably wouldn't have had a friend that actually knew me well. I didn't give a shit what people wanted and all they needed to know was where to find me to smoke it up. Life was carefree and there were no consequences.

College was actually much more crazy. Nothing like being at a school where there are a lot of frustrated and horny women. The good thing was, for someone who only cared about fucking and smoking, I got good grades. I actually loved getting my English degree. I'd be smoking a blunt, reading Chaucer or Shakespeare under a tree, listening to Sublime.

When I graduated, it was time to live life and feed and fend for myself. Stepping into the workforce wasn't a problem for me. Being a mail carrier fit perfectly. Making people laugh while delivering mail, slipping into the houses of horny single mom's for a quickie, who could complain about that life?

And now, here we are and I'm finally wondering, was I supposed to be something else? Somebody else? Someone with a conscience? Someone with three kids and a wife? Someone sitting behind a desk, typing away at a computer, bringing home bank? Someone's boyfriend whom they trust? Someone's best friend that would kill someone who harmed them?

I think more and more every day that I'm not as good of a person as people tell me I am. I'm selfish. I do and get what I want. I forget to think. I shut off my brain on purpose in order to tell my conscience to fuck off.

And then, suddenly, I started dating a woman with morals. I had never, ever had a girlfriend before. She's the kind of girl that knows what she wants and likes, has emotions and feelings and a conscience who thinks I'm a good guy and sees some sort of good in me. She thinks that a guy like me doesn't date girls like her, and then I look in the morning and think, hell, girls like her shouldn't be dating guys like me. I mean, do I inspire trust and tenderness? I know I can inspire lust and attraction, but this whole having a heart thing, I think whatever higher power or something forgot to give me one.

I'm just a badfish.

Guess I'm all right with it. But why would I even wonder about that?

You know those days where you don't have any words to describe your situation, so you just say "FUCK"? Yeah, that's where I'm at.

FUCK!

I definitely know that this weekend has been awesome! How are you so sure, Cory?. I am so very glad you asked! I was in LA, specifically hanging around UCLA. I just recently finished college, but damn, I am suddenly regretting not going to UCLA. Not only is the entire school breathtaking, but so are the ladies! Makes you think about a second degree, but even I am not about to put myself back through hours on end of studying and homework. I'd rather spend more time drinking a beer, smoking and watching Family Guy in the early hours of the morning. I mean, isn't that why most of us go to college? To say that we did it and have earned the right to be lazy? Well, who cares if that was anyone else's plan. It was mine and in the Land of Cory, that is perfectly all right. Is Family Guy on at all right now? Hold on...checking...

No...

Back to typing.

Anyway, why was I in LA at a college campus? One of my good friends I made the year before I graduated had a flag football tournament. Although I will never consider flag football real football, I'm all for supporting good friends. Sadly, they won 1 and lost two, but that didn't stop us from drinking it up in the hotel room. I think me and John straight had a bottle of Tequila each. And it's true! Tequila does make women's panties fly off! I wasn't making that up! The only problem...we never found her panties again. Panties are expendable, right? I don't know. I find them bothersome and they get in the way of what's really important.

As of two weeks ago, I was assigned to a new mail delivery route. That's cool with me. I'd established some good connections on my old route, but sometimes, things change. I like change. I've never been afraid of change. Besides, on my new route, I came across someone I thought I wouldn't ever see again, Lexie. It was pretty damned shocking, but I have no complaints. We are most likely completely different people than we were in high school, but I still felt like we could pick up our friendship where we left off. I just am not sure if that's a good thing. I don't know. We'll see how it goes.

Enough thinking, more drinking! This time water...fuck...work in the morning. O.O